Women’s Leadership
Welcome to the Women’s Leadership Community of Practice. This community is open to those who identify... View more
Leader:
- Organized by
-
-
On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at work
-
On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at work
It’s Talk About It Tuesday, and here’s a topic that was requested by a member of our community: bullying in the workplace.
Madeleine Albright famously said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” Unfortunately, the research tells us that that place in hell might be standing room only. Check out this incredibly disturbing fact: “A 2011 survey of 1,000 working women by the American Management Association found that 95% of them believed they were undermined by another woman at some point in their careers.” NINETY-FIVE PERCENT?!?
Here’s an article about women bullying women in the academy, from Ta’amod, a Jewish workplace training company:The Bullying We Don’t Talk About. It focuses on faculty, but the higher ed language is certainly the one we share. It’s disturbing to read the types of bullying in the article, things that may not come to the top of our minds when we think of bullying. As I go through this list, I can check off far too many that have happened in my own worklife:
- Planting false or partially false narratives about targets
- Damning with faint praise-offering a compliment, and quickly dialing it back with a statement of deficit
- Using others to lodge complaints about the target.
- Demonstrating apparent care and concern to build trust and then taking advantage of trust to embarrass or humiliate the target by sharing information provided under the guise of “friendship” or mentoring.
- Gaslighting; telling a target that the target has made an error or insulting the target, then denying that they have done or said what they did or said.
- Refusal to engage, avoiding, or shunning.
- Moving the goalposts: Stating objectives or benchmarks only to have them change when the target reaches them.
- Shunning or ostracizing the target.
- Recommending that others complain about the target.
Unfortunately, the data says that I’ve most likely BEEN the bully, too. That’s something I need to think about, good and hard.
Have you been the victim of bullying? Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself? You can share your story anonymously by clicking the “Post message anonymously” box if you’d prefer not to disclose your identity.
——————————
Jessi Eaton
Manager of Student Life
Purdue University Global
Duluth MN
jessica.eaton@purdueglobal.edu
Clear eyes | Full heart | Can’t lose
—————————— -
3 Replies
-
- Planting false or partially false narratives about targets
Immediately a shiver went up my spine because I had to have a VERY frank discussion with my boss ( a male) about the line that I was having to draw in terms of taking things on because of past supervisors (who had been women – not that that was mentioned) and this EXACT problem of dangling possible future opportunities to me if I would only do X Y and Z. which was followed by- Moving the goalposts: Stating objectives or benchmarks only to have them change when the target reaches them.
I had never called it bullying before – I just saw it as manipulation.
Jennifer D. Keegin, M. Ed.
Associate Director for Campus Activities, Binghamton University
——————————————-
Original Message:
Sent: 10/18/2022 10:44:00 AM
From: Jessi Eaton
Subject: On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at workIt’s Talk About It Tuesday, and here’s a topic that was requested by a member of our community: bullying in the workplace.
Madeleine Albright famously said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” Unfortunately, the research tells us that that place in hell might be standing room only. Check out this incredibly disturbing fact: “A 2011 survey of 1,000 working women by the American Management Association found that 95% of them believed they were undermined by another woman at some point in their careers.” NINETY-FIVE PERCENT?!
Here’s an article about women bullying women in the academy, from Ta’amod, a Jewish workplace training company:The Bullying We Don’t Talk About. It focuses on faculty, but the higher ed language is certainly the one we share. It’s disturbing to read the types of bullying in the article, things that may not come to the top of our minds when we think of bullying. As I go through this list, I can check off far too many that have happened in my own worklife:
- Planting false or partially false narratives about targets
- Damning with faint praise-offering a compliment, and quickly dialing it back with a statement of deficit
- Using others to lodge complaints about the target.
- Demonstrating apparent care and concern to build trust and then taking advantage of trust to embarrass or humiliate the target by sharing information provided under the guise of “friendship” or mentoring.
- Gaslighting; telling a target that the target has made an error or insulting the target, then denying that they have done or said what they did or said.
- Refusal to engage, avoiding, or shunning.
- Moving the goalposts: Stating objectives or benchmarks only to have them change when the target reaches them.
- Shunning or ostracizing the target.
- Recommending that others complain about the target.
Unfortunately, the data says that I’ve most likely BEEN the bully, too. That’s something I need to think about, good and hard.
Have you been the victim of bullying? Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself? You can share your story anonymously by clicking the “Post message anonymously” box if you’d prefer not to disclose your identity.
——————————
Jessi Eaton
Manager of Student Life
Purdue University Global
Duluth MN
jessica.eaton@purdueglobal.edu
Clear eyes | Full heart | Can’t lose
——————————-
Uggggh, Jen. I bet that’s more common than we think. The bait-and-switch sucks.Speaking of bosses, though, how about this line: “One of the most trying qualities of quiet bullies, having mastered the ‘rules of the game’ in relational warfare, is that they tend to be very, very good at managing their relationships with their own superiors. Just as the mean girls carefully calculate how to keep their currency high by strategically engaging and alienating with others, the quiet bully has a keen sense that being liked and respected by their superiors is key to maintaining their powerful hold on others (Keashly, 2012).”OMG HOW TRUE IS THIS. I *know* there are women reading this right now who are feeling like every single day is a chess game, and some days you’re Bobby Fischer and some days you’re a barely-trained cat. I’ve been there 110%.—
Jessi Eaton (she/hers)Manager of Student Life.jpg)
——————————————-
Original Message:
Sent: 10/18/2022 12:34:00 PM
From: Jennifer Keegin
Subject: RE: On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at work- Planting false or partially false narratives about targets
Immediately a shiver went up my spine because I had to have a VERY frank discussion with my boss ( a male) about the line that I was having to draw in terms of taking things on because of past supervisors (who had been women – not that that was mentioned) and this EXACT problem of dangling possible future opportunities to me if I would only do X Y and Z. which was followed by- Moving the goalposts: Stating objectives or benchmarks only to have them change when the target reaches them.
I had never called it bullying before – I just saw it as manipulation.Jennifer D. Keegin, M. Ed.
Associate Director for Campus Activities, Binghamton University——————————————-
Original Message:
Sent: 10/18/2022 10:44:00 AM
From: Jessi Eaton
Subject: On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at workIt’s Talk About It Tuesday, and here’s a topic that was requested by a member of our community: bullying in the workplace.
Madeleine Albright famously said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” Unfortunately, the research tells us that that place in hell might be standing room only. Check out this incredibly disturbing fact: “A 2011 survey of 1,000 working women by the American Management Association found that 95% of them believed they were undermined by another woman at some point in their careers.” NINETY-FIVE PERCENT?!
Here’s an article about women bullying women in the academy, from Ta’amod, a Jewish workplace training company:The Bullying We Don’t Talk About. It focuses on faculty, but the higher ed language is certainly the one we share. It’s disturbing to read the types of bullying in the article, things that may not come to the top of our minds when we think of bullying. As I go through this list, I can check off far too many that have happened in my own worklife:
- Planting false or partially false narratives about targets
- Damning with faint praise-offering a compliment, and quickly dialing it back with a statement of deficit
- Using others to lodge complaints about the target.
- Demonstrating apparent care and concern to build trust and then taking advantage of trust to embarrass or humiliate the target by sharing information provided under the guise of “friendship” or mentoring.
- Gaslighting; telling a target that the target has made an error or insulting the target, then denying that they have done or said what they did or said.
- Refusal to engage, avoiding, or shunning.
- Moving the goalposts: Stating objectives or benchmarks only to have them change when the target reaches them.
- Shunning or ostracizing the target.
- Recommending that others complain about the target.
Unfortunately, the data says that I’ve most likely BEEN the bully, too. That’s something I need to think about, good and hard.
Have you been the victim of bullying? Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself? You can share your story anonymously by clicking the “Post message anonymously” box if you’d prefer not to disclose your identity.
——————————
Jessi Eaton
Manager of Student Life
Purdue University Global
Duluth MN
jessica.eaton@purdueglobal.edu
Clear eyes | Full heart | Can’t lose
——————————
-
Oh, my anonymous friend, I HEAR YOU and I SEE YOU. I could have written your exact post at one point. I’d love to say so much, but I’d either end up saying two words or writing a novel. Let me just say this: nobody ever deserves toxicity. And it’s *NOT* “like this” everywhere.?
If you’d like to chat, please drop me a note at jessica.eaton@purdueglobal.edu. I would love to lend some empathy as both an outsider and someone who’s been there, done that, and became better for it. Confidentiality absolutely guaranteed.?
And also: you *are* changing the world. You have no idea who you’re impacting this very second. Someone somewhere could be reading your story right now and thinking, “This is me. I’m not alone.” *That* is world-changing.? Don’t let your circumstances tell you any different.?That’s part of the toxicity.
Sending you light, so much light.
——————————
Jessi Eaton
Manager of Student Life
Purdue University Global
Duluth MN
jessica.eaton@purdueglobal.edu
Clear eyes | Full heart | Can’t lose
——————————
——————————————-
Original Message:
Sent: 10-19-2022 11:58
From: Anonymous Member
Subject: On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at workThis message was posted by a user wishing to remain anonymous
I fully believe that 95% number is accurate and I’m not really all that surprised. I have experienced every single one of those bullet points listed, repeatedly during my time in Higher Education from my female (and male) leadership. There is a chronic bullying problem within leadership in Higher Education and I am thrilled to see someone finally talking about it.
Over the years, I’ve gone into conversations with my leadership looking for mentorship or advice on how to work through issues, only to be bombarded with statements about my deficits about how I’m not any good at my job. I’ve been gaslit, shunned, goal posts and expectations have been moved, etc. The same leadership has identified me as a problem and has created this false narrative about who I am.
The bullying and abuse I’ve experienced in this field has made me very self-aware and reflective. I never want to be like the leaders I have had. I never want those around me or those I supervise to not know where they stand, to not feel supported, to question their belonging and worth. I am trying to roll with and change the narrative around being identified as a problem. I am now (more) comfortable with and will gladly identify as a problem if it is because I ask the tough questions, bring light to problems, speak up to address systemic issues, and support those who are experiencing the same bullying I have experienced.
I have struggled for years with the decision of do I stay or do I leave. How much abuse and bullying can I take? Why should I have to deal with any of that at all? Why does it always seem like the people who are the worst people are the ones in leadership roles? Would it really be any better anywhere else? I have so many questions and no good answers.
So I currently I believe that I am where I am supposed to be and must be experiencing these things for a reason and that I have to continue to fight to make things better even if it does not benefit me. I read something one time that said “I am not going to change the world, I am not going to be a name that’s remembered and I probably am not going to invent anything that helps a ton of people… “everyone talks about going back in time worried they’ll rewrite history with the smallest action, but no one considers they can radically change the future by doing the same.” So I’ll just plod along making my small things be the good kind of things. Clean up after myself. Be kind. Never stop learning. Stand up for things I believe in. Teach my kids to do the same. And so on. It might not ever get recognized on any level, but it’s something I can be happy with and proud of, once it’s all said and done”. That statement has always stuck out to me. I might not ever change the world, but I can change the world of those around me.
Original Message:
Sent: 10-18-2022 12:40
From: Jessi Eaton
Subject: On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at workUggggh, Jen. I bet that’s more common than we think. The bait-and-switch sucks.Speaking of bosses, though, how about this line: “One of the most trying qualities of quiet bullies, having mastered the ‘rules of the game’ in relational warfare, is that they tend to be very, very good at managing their relationships with their own superiors. Just as the mean girls carefully calculate how to keep their currency high by strategically engaging and alienating with others, the quiet bully has a keen sense that being liked and respected by their superiors is key to maintaining their powerful hold on others (Keashly, 2012).”OMG HOW TRUE IS THIS. I *know* there are women reading this right now who are feeling like every single day is a chess game, and some days you’re Bobby Fischer and some days you’re a barely-trained cat. I’ve been there 110%.—
Jessi Eaton (she/hers)Manager of Student LifeOriginal Message:
Sent: 10/18/2022 12:34:00 PM
From: Jennifer Keegin
Subject: RE: On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at work- Planting false or partially false narratives about targets
Immediately a shiver went up my spine because I had to have a VERY frank discussion with my boss ( a male) about the line that I was having to draw in terms of taking things on because of past supervisors (who had been women – not that that was mentioned) and this EXACT problem of dangling possible future opportunities to me if I would only do X Y and Z. which was followed by- Moving the goalposts: Stating objectives or benchmarks only to have them change when the target reaches them.
I had never called it bullying before – I just saw it as manipulation.Jennifer D. Keegin, M. Ed.
Associate Director for Campus Activities, Binghamton UniversityOriginal Message:
Sent: 10/18/2022 10:44:00 AM
From: Jessi Eaton
Subject: On Wednesdays, we wear pink: mean girls at workIt’s Talk About It Tuesday, and here’s a topic that was requested by a member of our community: bullying in the workplace.
Madeleine Albright famously said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” Unfortunately, the research tells us that that place in hell might be standing room only. Check out this incredibly disturbing fact: “A 2011 survey of 1,000 working women by the American Management Association found that 95% of them believed they were undermined by another woman at some point in their careers.” NINETY-FIVE PERCENT?!
Here’s an article about women bullying women in the academy, from Ta’amod, a Jewish workplace training company:The Bullying We Don’t Talk About. It focuses on faculty, but the higher ed language is certainly the one we share. It’s disturbing to read the types of bullying in the article, things that may not come to the top of our minds when we think of bullying. As I go through this list, I can check off far too many that have happened in my own worklife:
- Planting false or partially false narratives about targets
- Damning with faint praise-offering a compliment, and quickly dialing it back with a statement of deficit
- Using others to lodge complaints about the target.
- Demonstrating apparent care and concern to build trust and then taking advantage of trust to embarrass or humiliate the target by sharing information provided under the guise of “friendship” or mentoring.
- Gaslighting; telling a target that the target has made an error or insulting the target, then denying that they have done or said what they did or said.
- Refusal to engage, avoiding, or shunning.
- Moving the goalposts: Stating objectives or benchmarks only to have them change when the target reaches them.
- Shunning or ostracizing the target.
- Recommending that others complain about the target.
Unfortunately, the data says that I’ve most likely BEEN the bully, too. That’s something I need to think about, good and hard.
Have you been the victim of bullying? Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself? You can share your story anonymously by clicking the “Post message anonymously” box if you’d prefer not to disclose your identity.
——————————
Jessi Eaton
Manager of Student Life
Purdue University Global
Duluth MN
jessica.eaton@purdueglobal.edu
Clear eyes | Full heart | Can’t lose
——————————
Log in to reply.